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Idag gjorde våran Milo något modigt.
Han ställde upp i en simtävling på öppet vatten, Degernässimmet. Milo simmade 200 meter, och han var det enda barnet som deltog i hela tävlingen.
Han kom fyra (!), och var så jättelycklig efteråt att han hade vågat ställa upp.

Det fick mig att känna att det kunde vara dags för Del 2 i den lilla serien (del 1 här), som kom till tack vare sms:et från Jenny.

Det är ju nämligen en sån där vanlig kommentar vi får – ”vad modiga ni är!”, och som jag tror jag har skrivit förut så kan jag förstå reaktionen. Jag förstår att det uppfattas som modigt att sälja hus, kliva av vardagen för ett läsår och dra jorden runt tillsammans med två barn.
Men jag tänker så ofta att det är ju allt jag och vi har gjort fram till dess som har varit det modiga, egentligen.

Jag tycker själv att jag har gjort några modiga saker i livet som sticker ut:
• Jag sa upp mig från mitt fasta jobb på Expressen (2008)
• Och jag flyttade tillbaka hem till Degerfors för att satsa på ett liv tillsammans med Patrik, som jag då bara hade känt i ett år.

Och han var också modig, som vågade satsa på ett liv med mig. Då väldigt van vid ett helt annat liv än vad som kunde erbjudas här, jag säger inte att det ena var bättre eller sämre än det andra. Men visst var mitt Stockholmsliv väldigt annorlunda mot vad mitt Degerforsliv blev.

att våga är att förlora fotfästet en liten stund

Jag la in bilden ovan för att den för mig symboliserar mycket som också har med detta ämne att göra.
Jag gör ett snabbt hopp tillbaka till år 1994, när jag kom nerför trappen i huset där vi bor nu igen (i mitt föräldrahem)
I hallen stod min mamma med packade väskor och såg bedrövad ut.
Hon skulle resa iväg till Uppsala för att läsa det sista året på sin utbildning för att bli präst. Hon var 43 år gammal, och hemma fanns jag (skulle fylla 17), min bror (13) och pappa.
Och mamma, så hemma- och familjekär. Och nu skulle hon resa för att bo i Uppsala på veckorna ett helt år.
Mamma var så ledsen. Men då sa jag tydligen:
– Men mamma, var det inte det här du ville?

Och det var det ju.
Och just därför så blev det bra. Även om det var jobbigt, då.

Jag gav henne också ett vykort med texten på tavlan ovan.
Sen dess har den texten följt med oss, på många olika sätt. (och tavlan har jag faktiskt gjort, långt senare, som en present till mamma. Jag är ingen stor konstnär… men innebörden finns ju där i alla fall)

att inte våga är att förlora sig själv
Mamma och jag, ytterligare drygt tio år senare, hemma i trädgården i Degerfors.

Sms:et jag fick från Jenny handlade, bland annat, om hennes önskan att bryta ekorrhjulet. Hon ville resa mer, göra annat. Våga bryta mönstren.

Jag ska inte påstå att jag är någon expert. Men jag tror verkligen på detta med att lyssna inåt.
För mig har det varit det som har fått styra nästan jämt. Magkänslan, tillsammans med det som Patrik och jag har lagt till i vårt gemensamma liv:

Vi har som våran grej att vi ställer oss frågan: hur vill vi leva?
Snarare än att dela upp det i vad jag vill jobba med, eller vad han vill jobba med, eller vad jag vill köpa eller vad han vill köpa.
Vi har försökt hitta nån slags helhetsbild, som är just vi. (självklart måste man ha kvar sig själv, även i en relation. Och vi både jobbar med och köper vad vi själva vill. Men jag menar mer att det finns en slags grund i allt vi gör som är VI som familj, och vad vi tillsammans vill)

Och vi har tillsammans kommit fram till att vi trivs med friheten. Därför har vi jobbat för att få den.
För Patriks del innebar det att han sa upp sig från sitt fasta jobb våren 2014, utan att ha någon annan sysselsättning klar. Men vi bestämde oss för att det skulle lösa sig, och det må låta lite provocerande enkelt för en del men det var faktiskt så det var.
Vi bara visste att vi skulle lösa det, på något sätt.
För att vi hade vår dröm om ett ännu friare liv.
Han blev egen företagare och började i liten skala med lite småjobb, och sen blev det bara mer och mer.

I efterhand kan det ju verka så enkelt, eller som att man ha fått allt serverat. Men i vårt fall har vi, så att säga, först vågat. Och sen jobbat hårt för att det skulle fungera, och nu är vi här. Med tre veckor kvar till avresa på vår livsresa, som vi ska få göra tillsammans med våra innerligt älskade pojkar.

Det må vara modigt, men de modigaste sakerna har ju varit allt vi gjort innan. Steg för steg.

För det är just så. Att det är de små stegen det handlar om.
För mamma var det ju egentligen långt innan den där Uppsala-resedagen 1994 det började, när hon började läsa religionsvetenskap på helgkurser vid sidan av sitt ordinarie heltidsjobb inom skolan.
Det var modigt att söka, och att börja läsa trots att det egentligen ”inte gick” med två små barn och 100 procentstjänst.

Patrik och jag som valde varandra, trots att allt annat hade varit enklare.

Milo som vågade ställa upp i en tävling på öppet vatten som enda barn på startlistan. Och hans glädje och stolthet efteråt, över att han klarade det (och dessutom slog en massa vuxna 🙂 )

**

Om jag skulle drista mig till att ge någon slags råd i ämnet Att våga, så skulle det nog bli dessa:

• Lyssna inåt. Förvånansvärt ofta så finns svaret där

• Fråga dig själv hur du vill leva. Gör sen förändringar i din tillvaro som, steg för steg, leder dit.

• …för det må låta klyschigt, men varje resa börjar faktiskt med ett enda steg. Även en jorden runt-resa.

• Hur andra singlar/par/familjer lever sina lev är inget facit. Du/ni behöver inte göra som dom.

• Fråga dig själv ibland när du upplever att du står i ett vägskäl; vad är det värsta som kan hända?

Skala sen bort allt som eventuellt har med vad andra kommer att säga/tycka.

Och bestäm sen vilken väg du ska välja.

• Det går att bryta sig ur ett ekorrhjul som du inte vill vara i.

• Välj bort sådant som slukar av din energi på ett negativt sätt. Det kan vara människor, en arbetsplats eller andra åtaganden.

• Vill du resa mer, så gör det. Jag vet att det kan provocera att skriva så, eftersom alla inte har förutsättningarna. Men jag hoppas att ni kan missförstå mig rätt när jag påstår att de allra flesta kan förverkliga i alla fall fler drömmar/målbilder än de tror.

Testa.

Lägg ett år eller två på att spara pengar. Skit i shoppingen. Säg nej till kompisarna som vill på krogen. Strunta i att köpa den där senaste familjekombin av 2016 års modell som alla andra i kvarteret har.

Våga håll fast vid drömmen och jobba för den.

IMG_4086

 

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